He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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