Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Barsexuality is the new black.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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