i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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