please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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