meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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