you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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