My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
