I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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