Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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