she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
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Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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