Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
