Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
