I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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