I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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