Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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