Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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