my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
