When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
