If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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