I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
