just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You're like the curious george of whores
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's blow job season.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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