I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
