Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
