guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
