While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
