its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I lost the right to judge tonight
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
