He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
