Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
