Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
