i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
