Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
