Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
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Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
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