You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
