After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
