Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Are we still banned from the library?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
