Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
