i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
