Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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