Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
