About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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