if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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