Christians are straight up FREAKS
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize