Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
