ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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