She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
