Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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