Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
