Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
vagina is talking i cant
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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