You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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