Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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