So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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