I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
