First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
This house was built for laser tag.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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