I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
