john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Shame - the story of my life.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
