So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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