you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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