she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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